He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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