All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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