Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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