Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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