I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
