Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
