dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You ruined the universe
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
