chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
