p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
