Fuck appropriateness.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
