Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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