I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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