I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
