wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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