Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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