There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize