I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
