Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Randomize
