I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
