No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize