i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I wish life had little blips of pornography
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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