k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize