How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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