if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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