Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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