My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
