There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
