i barfeds in our rink
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
