i was born a porn star she said
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
