don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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