I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
