So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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