the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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