I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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