Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
