did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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