I wish they made helmets for livers.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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