wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My vagina is officially offended.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
