OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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