I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
