I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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