Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
