i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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