he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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