he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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