Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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