K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
