It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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