Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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