I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
