mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
