My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
