I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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