I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
