Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
there is puke in my bra ... again
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
