Have you finally orgasmed yet?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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