It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize