I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
