We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Houston, we have a blender
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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