I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
