He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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