I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
