I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
