First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
