glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
