threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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