party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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