Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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