The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
